Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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