forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
