wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
