atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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