so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
