I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
