Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
