What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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