Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
