I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
a search helicopter?!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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