Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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