I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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