if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My life is pants optional.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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