It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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