I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
