If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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