woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
