Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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