Who wears a wallet chain?!
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
