Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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