fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
