i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
