Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
