Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
