O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
