Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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