I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
