Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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