Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
