she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
