She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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