I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
