On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
