i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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