Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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