dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
