sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
