pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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