i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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