Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think your dad took our porno
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
