If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
