As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
