Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
