Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
