if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
