Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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