Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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