I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
there is puke in my bra ... again
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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