Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
