He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
