Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
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