You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
