Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
