If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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