I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
